The War on Day NamesNovember 13, 2008
For everyone up in arms about Christmas becoming a secular holiday and whining about putting “Christ” back in “Christmas,” I have seven things to say:
Why, for the love of the Norns, has everyone taken Tyr out of Tuesday?!? At least can we change it to Marsday? In all the Romance languages (except for Portuguese–why do the Portuguese hate the god of war?) the name of Tuesday comes from the Latin Martis dies, which means, of course, Mars’ Day. Frankly, I don’t care who wins out, whether it be the Nordic pantheon with Tyr or the Greek with Ares or the Roman with Mars, but for Odin’s sake, won’t someone PLEASE put an ancient war god back in Tuesday? Please???
And speaking of Odin, don’t get me started on Wednesday… I’m sick of the secularization of the honored middle day of the week. “Hump day.” How disgustingly sacrilegious. Please, oh please, praise his holy ravens and put Odin back into Wednesday, before it’s too late!
And those that would dishonor Odin by forgetting his day would callously do the same to his red-bearded son, the almighty god of thunder himself, by taking Thor out of Thursday. Why tempt Thor to rain down lightning upon us by not honoring his special weekly day? Pray! Appeal to Thor for forgiveness, lest he burn your homestead with his fiery bolts of retribution.
The same goes for Friday: please stop taking Frigg, Freya, Frige (take your pick) out of Friday! People love Fridays, but only in a secular sense, since it’s the last work day before a weekend of godsless debauchery. It’s high time we begin showing our appreciation for these Germanic pagan deities for having our favorite day named after them. Thank god it’s Freya indeed.
I didn’t forget Monday. Why, oh why, won’t people put the Moon back in Monday!?! The moon is a real thing! You can see it in the sky! It makes the tides! Humans have visited it! It’s the root of the word month, and was so important to the Hebrew calendar that the new crescent moon signified the new month, no matter what the actual date was. For the sake of Luna, Artemis and Selene, please put the Moon back in Monday.
And io! Saturn! STOP TAKING SATURN OUT OF SATURDAY. I mean, come on. I demand that we stop slighting the Roman god of agriculture by ignoring his influence on the first day of the weekend. Without Saturn, who would bless the the hops that make our beer and the government subsidized corn that gets turned into our ethanol? Really, people. Io, Saturn!
Finally, Sunday… Sadly, there is no more sun in Sunday, and if any object deserves its own weekly day of reverence, it’s the sun.
The sun is the source of darn near everything on Earth. It’s where we get all of our energy (that useful stuff called “heat” and “light”), it’s where we get all of the chemicals that form your body, the air you’re breathing, the monitor you’re reading this on–and most everything else that has ever been or ever will be on this planet.
The only reason humans exist, the only reason the Earth exists, the only reason our solar system exists is because of the sun.
If you ask me, that makes it pretty damn important.
The ancient Egyptians had it right (as did myriad other cultures). They worshiped it as the source of life on Earth, and though their execution was a little wacky, they were more right than they ever could have realized. If there is one thing that deserves our devotion, it’s that nearby average yellow star that’s gracing us with its heat, light, and gravity.
But of course, the sun doesn’t have the capacity to care if we’re devoted to it. Love it or hate it (why would you hate it–it’s the sun), it will continue to do what any similarly charted star does for many more millions of years, and that’s even if it doesn’t have a day named after it.
Which is does…
(And that’s 51 more than Jesus has. Just sayin’.)